I got the ill vibe...

Apparently, this story is funny to those of you who've heard me tell it over the phone. I hope I do it justice via my blog, that's why I almost never posted it. Thanks Dapo for demanding to see it in print!
Lately, my dating mojo has been bad. I'd been seeing a cute cop at first. We met online and went out a few times. We got along well, had tons in common, but then it happened. The death blow...his secret fantasy- incest (the game the whole family can paly!). NEXT!
Continuing my online dating foray, I met a music promoter who was witty and fun online. His profile led me to believe that he was 31 and still boyishly good looking. In real life, he was more like 41 and Pillsbury dough boy looking. Bummer. In an effort not to be shallow, we continued with our first date at a quaint little Moroccan place. At the end of the meal, he shrieked and pointed at the rat running across the floor. Gross! I didn't see the rat he did. He picked the restaurant, not me! Why point out a rat?? On a first date no less? I was ready to head home & call it a night. He wanted to take me to some club he was promoting. I declined and insisted he walk me to the tube. On the way he just so happened to spot another club that he used to promote & asked if I wanted to go there instead. Since it was on the way back to the tube, I agreed. They ask for 2 pounds each at the door & that's when Mr. Smooth tries to work his magic saying that he knows the owner, used to promote the club & they should let us in for free. The owner says he remembers my date & the my date owes him money! I am horrified! The pair have words & take it outside. I try to back away and escape the confrontation. No luck, dude ends his fight to proclaim the club owner drunk & walk me the rest of the way to the tube. Do you believe that he had the nerve to email me a week later saying that he didn't think the date was "an unmitigated disaster" and wanted to know if we could go out again. Buddy, were you on the same date as me? Disaster would be putting it nicely! I emailed him a prompt thanks-but-no-thanks reply. NEXT!
I go to the uber hip club with some teacher friends of mine (Thanks mom for telling me the club's name is also the street name for heroin! Why she knows that & I don't, I can't be sure.) and our table in VIP is right next to Prince's. Don't get excited folks, he's a tiny man & since I'm a tiny woman we couldn't see each other through the crowd. :( Anyway, in another room of the club, far away from Prince, I meet a member of the St. Lucian cricket team. He's cute, chats me up, gets my number. After a few texts, we agree to go out a week later. We meet for drinks with his friends at a bar where he knows the owner. Then we go to a club to dance a bit. He flips out saying that I gave some guy at the club my number. Um, Earth to Psycho! How is that possible? Telepathy? I've been with you all night! He sits down & pouts for 10 minutes until the club closes. I'm ready to say goodbye. He says no, wait! Let's drink & dance some more. I say I'm drunk & can't or else I'll be sick since we didn't do dinner. We walk up the street to get emergency falafel & keep the party going. Hunger saited, it's on to club # 2. Wouldn't you know it, that guy from club # 1 was there. (Damn, I really should have given him my number! He was cute too!) I steered clear of him though & danced all up on my non-dancing date. We had a better time & after 2 more drinks he asked me to go home with him. Screech! What?? Date #1 & you say go home w/me? Oh hell no! I say, "No, that's my friend texting me right now wanting to know what time I'm coming home cause he wants to go to sleep."
"He?," he asks.
I reply, "Yeah, it's my friend Quentin, he's married to another gay friend of mine from home. They let me sleep on their couch whenever I'm in the city late." Outraged, he says, "Gay? You'd rather sleep with a gay than me?"
"Yes."
"Are you gay?"
(Ignoring the fact that that was a dumb question for a myriad of reasons.)"Um...no."
"So then com home with me," he persists.
"No," I maintain.
His club owner friend than agrees to take us home. Quentin texted me asking that I call when I was on my way so that he'd be sure to be awake to let me in (Quentin you are such a sweetheart!!) since it was already after 2am. I had to guy drop me at the tube close to Quentin's and walked the rest of the way to the house while simultaneously searching for my phone to no avail. I just buzzed when I got to the door and luckily Quentin was still awake. I a frantic search through my things for my phone, I had Quentin call it, thinking I'd hear it ring in my bag. Nope. A man answered. It was my date, who then pretended not to be my date. Then he asked why I wanted my phone back. Then he asked who Quentin was- again- and why I was with him and using his phone. Then he said he'd give the phone to his friend. Then he said he'd bring it to me. Then he said he wasn't going to wake up to give it to me. Then he said I couldn't pick it up from him. Then he asked why I was so pressed to get my phone anyway. After this insane 20 minute (I still owe you money for that Quentin! So sorry- again!) long conversation, he agreed to meet me at the bar again the next day at 7pm.
I show up & he's not there. I told his friend the bartender the deal & he offered me a drink while I waited. Old boy called the bar at 7:30 to say he was just leaving his house. The bartender said it would be about 30-40 minutes, because, apparently dude lives close to me (and I live an hour & 15 minutes from there!). He shows up at 9:30 with some lame excuse about buying a laptop. I get my phone, attempt to pay my tab (bartender comped me for having to wait so long for his raggedy friend- thanks dude!), and told homeboy, "I'm out." He said bye & let me leave. On my way to Roger's I get a text from a strange number saying, "meet me at the station." Since it was just a random number, I respond, "Who is this?" I'm sure you can guess that it was my date, who not only deleted his number from my phone, but had been answering it, changing the ring tones & reading my text messages! In 1 hour he sent me 20 texts saying things like, "I'm sorry. I made a mistake. I'm only human, let me explain. Baby don't be like that. I need to talk to you. I need to see you. Baby, please don't make me cry." After about the first 5, I started ignoring him. He texted me again the next day as if nothing had happened & said he couldn't stop thinking about me. Then he called, twice. Then he called again the next day. Finally, I blocked his number and I haven't been on a date since...
The incident reminds me of the 1996 Busta Rhymes track "Ill Vibe." It goes:
Well anyway, while I was cooling down at Luigi's
I met some Siamese twins from overseas.. Lebanese
Let's begin with the friends from New Orleans
They had a fifth friend- she was straight black-Portuguese
Pretty palm-olive-soaped skin, aloe veralese
She looked like the type of chick you only see in fantasies
The type of chick you would kill for to get between the knees
So, I made time to chill with Miss Portuguese
Would you believe, the bitch tried to steal my fucking house keys
And rob me for my G's
Had to show this crazy broad, I Mastered my Degree's and my PhD's
Got your face on camera; motherfucker say cheese
You better get with your friends quick, before I start to squeeze
Getting caught up in that freaky gold-digger jamborees.

I got the ill dating vibe ya'll! Somebody call Austin Powers! I've lost my mojo!